11-09-2003, 05:21 AM
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Politics: You have two cows. One is stupid, the other disagrees with its ideals. It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for the rest of its life with no trial. The other is elected president.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
A Bush Family Corporation:
Your daddy gave you two cows. The cows get sick on account of how the pond you put them in got the wrong kinda water. Your daddy's good friends in the Cattle Industry buy the cows at $20 million apiece. The Cattle Industry pays no tax for the next five years cause they're right good folks. The Cattle Industry done give you back the cows. You still got the cows and you made $20 million on the deal. Who said you ain't no kinda businessman?
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. When the strike ends the government has created a Departement des Vaches with a bureaucracy of 5,000. The head of the Departement is your mistress, Fifi de St Arnaud Delacroix de la Grand-Cul. Your children are departmental secretaries earning 500,000 euros per year. There are still only two cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
A Brittish Corporation:
You have two cows. Both are mad. This is OK because the minister of Agriculture Herbert Plunkett Ranfurly-Ernle-Earle-Drax was at school with you and is known to you as 'Whiffle'. He kindly agrees to have the law changed so that your cows can be re-labelled as 'Non-Infectious meat-type product of more than one leg of origin'. Tescos make you pay them to take your cows away. They are machine-reclaimed and sold as premium quality organic beefburgers at 3,000% profit per cow.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as
many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Facism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Traditional Communism:
You have two cows. Jealous neighbours shoot your cows. You are then equal, and everyone is happy. Or at least no-one is more unhappy than anyone else
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Militanairism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
American Politics: You have two cows. One is stupid, the other disagrees with its ideals. It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for the rest of its life with no trial. The other is elected president.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
A Bush Family Corporation:
Your daddy gave you two cows. The cows get sick on account of how the pond you put them in got the wrong kinda water. Your daddy's good friends in the Cattle Industry buy the cows at $20 million apiece. The Cattle Industry pays no tax for the next five years cause they're right good folks. The Cattle Industry done give you back the cows. You still got the cows and you made $20 million on the deal. Who said you ain't no kinda businessman?
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. When the strike ends the government has created a Departement des Vaches with a bureaucracy of 5,000. The head of the Departement is your mistress, Fifi de St Arnaud Delacroix de la Grand-Cul. Your children are departmental secretaries earning 500,000 euros per year. There are still only two cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
A Brittish Corporation:
You have two cows. Both are mad. This is OK because the minister of Agriculture Herbert Plunkett Ranfurly-Ernle-Earle-Drax was at school with you and is known to you as 'Whiffle'. He kindly agrees to have the law changed so that your cows can be re-labelled as 'Non-Infectious meat-type product of more than one leg of origin'. Tescos make you pay them to take your cows away. They are machine-reclaimed and sold as premium quality organic beefburgers at 3,000% profit per cow.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as
many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Facism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Traditional Communism:
You have two cows. Jealous neighbours shoot your cows. You are then equal, and everyone is happy. Or at least no-one is more unhappy than anyone else
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Militanairism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.