12-03-2003, 11:48 PM
I found the following items while digging through a pile of old papers and thought they would be good additions to this thread.
-------------------------------------
Dividing the Nuts
-----------------
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my G-d!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you kid! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Bits of Wisdom
--------------
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, some times it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Mahatma Ghandi
--------------
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little and fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a... "Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
More Bits of Wisdom
-------------------
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore, I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Anagrams
--------
An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory ---- Dirty room
Evangelist ---- Evil's agent
Desperation ---- A rope ends it
The Morse Code ---- Here come dots
Slot Machines ---- Cash lost in 'em
Animosity ---- Is no amity
Mother-in-law ---- Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms ---- Alas! No more z's
Alec Guinness ---- Genuine class
Semolina ---- Is no meal
The Public Art Galleries ---- Large picture halls, I bet
A Decimal Point ---- I'm a dot in place
The Earthquakes ---- That queer shake
Eleven plus two ---- Twelve plus one
Contradiction ---- Accord not in it
To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune.
---- In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
---- hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns
---- rotten.
That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. - Neil
Armstrong
---- A thin man ran, makes large stride, left planet, pins flag
---- on moon! On to Mars!
President Clinton of the United States
---- To copulate, he finds interns.
-------------------------------------
Dividing the Nuts
-----------------
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my G-d!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you kid! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Bits of Wisdom
--------------
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, some times it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Mahatma Ghandi
--------------
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little and fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a... "Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
More Bits of Wisdom
-------------------
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore, I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Anagrams
--------
An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory ---- Dirty room
Evangelist ---- Evil's agent
Desperation ---- A rope ends it
The Morse Code ---- Here come dots
Slot Machines ---- Cash lost in 'em
Animosity ---- Is no amity
Mother-in-law ---- Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms ---- Alas! No more z's
Alec Guinness ---- Genuine class
Semolina ---- Is no meal
The Public Art Galleries ---- Large picture halls, I bet
A Decimal Point ---- I'm a dot in place
The Earthquakes ---- That queer shake
Eleven plus two ---- Twelve plus one
Contradiction ---- Accord not in it
To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune.
---- In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
---- hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns
---- rotten.
That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. - Neil
Armstrong
---- A thin man ran, makes large stride, left planet, pins flag
---- on moon! On to Mars!
President Clinton of the United States
---- To copulate, he finds interns.
Lochnar[ITB]
Freshman Diablo
![[Image: jsoho8.png]](http://i61.tinypic.com/jsoho8.png)
![[Image: 10gmtrs.png]](http://i60.tinypic.com/10gmtrs.png)
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
"You don't know how strong you can be until strong is the only option."
"Think deeply, speak gently, love much, laugh loudly, give freely, be kind."
"Talk, Laugh, Love."
Freshman Diablo
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
"You don't know how strong you can be until strong is the only option."
"Think deeply, speak gently, love much, laugh loudly, give freely, be kind."
"Talk, Laugh, Love."