Frost mage!

[Frag]

Haven't you read about 1.9?  They did.  :)  :P
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Oh whew... Glad to hear Uncle Blizzard didn't forget Christmas last year!

Imagine nine bright-eyed children (well seven, the Warlock and Hunter look rather sickly and gaunt) waiting eagerly around the Christmas tree to open their present. Their Great Uncle Blizzard begins to pass out the bright packages, and the children eagerly tear them open.


The Paladin, who had desperately wished for a pony all year opens his massive and conspicuously shaped package to find....a dead pony. Now substitute DPS for pony and you get the idea. He runs off to weep in the corner, telling himself over and over that its just Uncle Blizzard's old hearing problem.

The Druid opens her package to find a note saying that her shapeshift ability now cures cancer! Overjoyed, she prances off morphing all the while, content in the knowledge that her shifting has already dispelled magic, broken stuns, slowing effects, and polymorph, balanced the budget, brought peace to the Middle East, and defied the odds by convincing a jury to find Michael Jackson innocent.

The Warrior hacks at the package with his arcanite reaper, critting it for twenty million. Inside, he finds a note saying that sneezing, talking, walking, running, flying, using the Auction House, and breathing in general all generate rage. He laughs, builds up a full rage bar in two seconds, then beats up an old lady for fun.

The Priest takes his turn, crossing his fingers in hopes of a a Holy Tree buff, or perhaps a revamp of spirit utilization. Instead he finds a bright "New and Improved!" shadow skill tree. "What the #$%&, if I wanted to do this I would have rolled mage! I'm a healer not a...". At this point, his cries are drowned out by millions of voices screaming "OMGWTFBBQ LURN 2 PLAY UR CLASS NOOB SHADOW PRIESTS R TEH ROXXORS"

The Mage goes next, and finds a scram jet coupled with an ability to give mages 100% increased mana regeneration if they put a vowel in their character name. Happily, the mage places the scram jet with his other "I'm impossible to catch" abilities including blink, nova, polymorph and frost spells in general. He places the new regeneration spell alongside evocation, conjure water, conjure mana gem, and mage armor, mumbling that he still doesn't get his 8000 mana back quick enough.

It's now the Rogues turn. He sneaks up behind the box to catch it unaware, too stupid to know that the box is an inanimate object. What he pulls out, we have no clue, since all we can see is the spam of his "ZOMG NOOOB REROLL PVE I PWND U" macro. This spam is occassionaly interrupted by "shut up, ill duel you when my timers are back up".

The Hunter doesn't even have a package. Instead, Uncle Blizzard just hands him a note saying, "We believe that the concerns you've raised are invalid, despite the fact that you've shown us data proving the contrary. We believe your class is working as intended. However, we're going to humor you and study your concerns as best we can, and we promise that a future patch will implement certain changes to your class. P.S. By future we mean when carbon-based life ceases to exist, so redeem the gift certificate on the back of this note at Eddie's Gun Shop and just end it the easy way."

The Warlock is almost bursting with excitement. Uncle Blizzard had hinted for weeks that his present would be the best ever, and thus he tears open the package with demonic fervor. He sees a box full of bright shiny things, but realization suddenly dawns on him. "Hey, wait a second, this is all my old #%@$ repainted. I still can't pvp or be useful in most instances, what kind of joke is this?" Uncle Blizzard however, is too busy gaping at the succubus' cleavage to notice.

At last, all eyes descend upon the Shaman. Uncle Blizzard strides over and hands him the package. They hug and begin to fondle each other in a manner hardly befitting a nephew and uncle. As the Shaman begins to remove the wrapping paper, triumphant music and choruses of angels are heard in the distance. A light (with a slight blue tinge, I might add) breaks through from the sky and shines upon the young Shaman. A deep, ominous voice rumbles among the clouds, "This is my son, whom I have well buffed." The wrapping paper falls away to reveal a brand new macro that lets the Shaman do solo Molten Core runs at the push of a button! As usual, the shaman is overjoyed and hardly aware of the envious stares from his cousins. Instead, he places the new gift alongside those from Christmases past, including traveling form, frost shock, earthbind totem, windfury totem, his mail armor, his shiny 2200 armor shield, and his super heals.

We see the warm and cozy house slowly fade into away into the distance. The Paladin shield-hearths out of the picture before we can see him do much of anything. The Druid has now shapeshifted and spammed moonfire so much that she is now just a ball of blue and purple plasma. The Warrior, in a vicious rage, marches off to burn a senior living center. The Priest makes a mage alt, finds it to be the exact same character, and spontaneously combusts. The Mage screams profanities at his recalcitrant mana bar. The Rogue bangs his head against the wall, killing what few brain cells he already had. The Hunter and Warlock cry themselves to sleep. And as the scene finally fades away, we see the Shaman and Uncle Blizzard begin to passionately make-out.

Thus ends Christmas in the World of Warcraft.

~Frag :P