How kind is "too kind"?

[Count Duckula]

Now that exams are done, I'm gleefully wasting passing time by catching up on gaming. Early November, I started playing FF9, and got to disc 4 by the end of Thanksgiving Break. After a three-week hiatus, I wanted to play again.

I live on a hall in what's considered specialty housing. We have our own social room for our use. It's a converted dorm room with a TV, couch, etc., that we managed to finagle out of Res Life after the freshman complained last year that our hall hogged the first floor social room. We all hang out in there, and my hallmates have a fondness for video games. I started keeping my PS2 in there after my hallmates promised that if they used it, they would put all the parts back into the cabinet when they were done.

You can see where this is headed.

I've searched both the social room and my room, and I can't find my copy of FF9 anywhere. This is the straw that broke the camel's back, after

--people kept leaving the PS2 out in the middle of the social room floor, when no one was in there, the door was wide open, and all the lights were on--just begging for someone to walk by and grab it. I told people not to do it, and it still kept happening.
--People kept leaving the game discs everywhere, even when I asked my hallmates to case the games when finished.
--My memory card and cords have made various disappearing/reappearing acts.
--And a few of my games have gone walking off for a few days, only to mysteriously return after a weekend or a break.

So I declared that I would keep my PS2 in my room for now on. My hallmates are unhappy. I'm this close to saying "well, tough s**t, you should have respected my property." Also, my room isn't in tip-top condition and there's a chance that the game is buried somewhere. :rolleyes: However, this isn't the first time someone has borrowed a game and returned it only when I raised a stink about it.

So I add to the morality discussion. How kind is too kind? Please share your stories. ^_^

[ShadowHM]

So I add to the morality discussion. How kind is too kind? Please share your stories. ^_^
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Hi Ducky

It seems to me that you have been too kind already, if there is a track record of abuse of the rules you set for using your stuff.

For what it is worth, if you do choose to give your hall mates another chance, I offer a set of "The Rules", which are prominently posted where my children can see them (in large font even) in both my home and my cottage. They need reminders all too often and it seems you are in the same situation as a parent in this regard. Perhaps sticking a copy to the PS2 would help remind the miscreants of the 'contract' you made in leaving it in the common room.

The Rules of Courtesy

1. If you open it, close it.
2. If you turn it on, turn it off.
3. If you unlock it, lock it.
4. If you break it, repair it.
5. If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.
6. If you borrow it, return it.
7. If you use it, take care of it.
8. If you make a mess, clean it up.
9. If you move it, put it back.
10. If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, ask.
11. If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.
12. If it does not concern you, don't mess with it.

[Tal]

So I declared that I would keep my PS2 in my room for now on. My hallmates are unhappy. I'm this close to saying "well, tough s**t, you should have respected my property." Also, my room isn't in tip-top condition and there's a chance that the game is buried somewhere. :rolleyes: However, this isn't the first time someone has borrowed a game and returned it only when I raised a stink about it.

So I add to the morality discussion. How kind is too kind? Please share your stories. ^_^
[right][snapback]63022[/snapback][/right]

I think you have been beyond nice - I would have kept the PS2 and whatnot in my room as a starting point. ;)

[Lord_Olf]

Hail,

I think ShadowHM's comment is a good one.

Hindsight is always 20/20, so you just realize being "too kind" after something goes wrong.

What I tend to do is the following: Keep it fair, but for both sides. Example:

Back in the day when I was 16 or 17, I had a lot of CDs (well, still have*g*), lots more than the other of my friends / aquaintances. So I was often asked to bring my CDs, or some of them, to our parties. I usually had 60-70 with me. After a lot of them vanished and the people organizing the party just said "Bad luck", I put stickers with my name on them and perpared a list with the CDs I brought. I had the person organizing sign this list, telling them that if the inventory was not complete after the party, they'd have to reimburse me for my losses.

Well, some people may remark that this is "not nice", but to me, losing a lot of CDs out of the kindness of helping people out is not nice, either. If it works, fine, if not, I guess you have to set up ground rules. And the people who complain about that usually are the people who have issues about following them.

Still, don't misunderstand me: I don't have a list of whom I bought a beer at the club and cross it out once he bought me one too. I don't ask back 10 cents I might have given someone who was exactly that short to buying a bus ticket. My close friends could ask me for my last shirt and get it, but that circle consists of a few handpicked people. The rest out there has to deal with my definition of "fair", and if they don't like it, we're back to "Tough you know what". May sound hard, but it works for me.

Take care, and I hope those discs surface... one way or the other!

Lord_Olf

[--Pete]

Hi,

I think that you have indeed been kind enough, even too kind.

My story is similar. I used to loan people my books. I did this in spite of the fact that, over the years, I had to buy many replacements. Indeed, I kept paperback copies of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and of Stranger in a Strange Land specifically to loan. A friend of mine sent me a copy of Samurai Cat, a book I treasured both for itself and because of how I got it. One day a friend borrowed it. After a while, I asked what had happened to it, and was informed that a friend of his had in turn borrowed it. Apparently it had been passed on a number of times. And nobody seemed to know where it was. I never got it back, and I never replaced it (wouldn't be the same).

That was twelve years ago. And that was when I quit loaning books.

Don't expect others to respect your property -- most don't even take care of their own.

--Pete

[Ashock]

Hi,

My story is similar.  I used to loan people my books.  I did this in spite of the fact that, over the years, I had to buy many replacements.  Indeed, I kept paperback copies of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and of Stranger in a Strange Land specifically to loan.  A friend of mine sent me a copy of Samurai Cat, a book I treasured both for itself and because of how I got it.  One day a friend borrowed it.  After a while, I asked what had happened to it, and was informed that a friend of his had in turn borrowed it.  Apparently it had been passed on a number of times.  And nobody seemed to know where it was.  I never got it back, and I never replaced it (wouldn't be the same).
--Pete
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Sorry Pete, I promise I'll give it back to you...soon ;-)


-A

[jahcs]

Many of these stories are similar to the "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." It goes the same for loaning things and trusting people.

Being nice does not involve letting yourself be a doormat to be trampled on. And friends who abuse your trust may not be as good a friend as first thought.


An experience I had several years ago: A roomate of mine was short one month for a partial portion of the bills so I loaned him a bit that month. Later in the month I asked him for the money back (I knew his payday). He told me that one of our mutual friends owed him some money so I would have to talk to them for payment. Of course I never got the money. I then quit buying food for the apartment (an advantage to working in a 24 hour restaurant was I could eat there at an employee discount) and stopped using the kitchen in the apartment all together. I didn't eat there so I didn't provide food and I didn't have to clean up. This was deemed unreasonable by my roomate because "he didn't owe me any money, our mutual friend did." He couldn't see the difference between me loaning him the money and me loaning our friend money.

Just to clarify, I had spotted my roomate money in the past and he had always made good on his debts. I would never have loaned our mutual friend money, I knew his history.

[pakman]

I never loan out anything anymore unless it's to one of my good friends. Too many times have I gotten back scratched computer game cds, scratched music cds, or nothing.

Now, the only time I give out my disks is to my good buddy down the hall or my roommate because I can always ask for it and I know where it is. Just recently I lent my roommate my dvd player to take on a trip with him, and he came back without the remote. I know this wasn't his fault, but it's that kind of stuff that makes me angry.

I'm only kind when I have to be.

[LochnarITB]

Don't expect others to respect your property -- most don't even take care of their own.

--Pete
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That is what I have always believed. I find that a person's things say a lot about the person. I am not saying that more or better things make a better person. Whether a person has a lot or a little, the way they treat their things says much about how they treat the rest of the world.

And to your original question, Ducky. I think you went above and beyond. If it was me, first offense, of any kind, would have been a warning. On the second, the goodies would have been tucked away for use by the person I knew would take care of them, me. You should feel no guilt in saying what you wanted to say. It sounds as if they have pushed the situation beyond the point you should be concerned with offending them.

[Ashock]

So I add to the morality discussion. How kind is too kind? Please share your stories. ^_^
[right][snapback]63022[/snapback][/right]

Check your room very thouroughly. If you don't find it, just tell them something along the lines of "If I ever see your paw on my games, you'll pull back a stump" This diplomatic method usually works for me. Try it :-)



-A

[whyBish]

I'm free from this situation. If you own nothing, then you can loan nothing ... however, I do give a whole lot of stuff away.

[Occhidiangela]

I live on a hall in what's considered specialty housing. We have our own social room for our use. It's a converted dorm room with a TV, couch, etc., that we managed to finagle out of Res Life after the freshman complained last year that our hall hogged the first floor social room. We all hang out in there, and my hallmates have a fondness for video games. I started keeping my PS2 in there after my hallmates promised that if they used it, they would put all the parts back into the cabinet when they were done.

This is the straw that broke the camel's back, after

--people kept leaving the PS2 out in the middle of the social room floor, when no one was in there, the door was wide open, and all the lights were on--just begging for someone to walk by and grab it. I told people not to do it, and it still kept happening.
--People kept leaving the game discs everywhere, even when I asked my hallmates to case the games when finished.
--My memory card and cords have made various disappearing/reappearing acts.
--And a few of my games have gone walking off for a few days, only to mysteriously return after a weekend or a break.

So I declared that I would keep my PS2 in my room for now on. My hallmates are unhappy. I'm this close to saying "well, tough s**t, you should have respected my property." Also, my room isn't in tip-top condition and there's a chance that the game is buried somewhere. :rolleyes: However, this isn't the first time someone has borrowed a game and returned it only when I raised a stink about it.

So I add to the morality discussion. How kind is too kind? Please share your stories. ^_^
[right][snapback]63022[/snapback][/right]

Apparently some of your hallmates felt, after a period of your generosity, that they were entitled to treat your stuff, which you had shared with your friends, as though it were community property. When it's community property, unless folks feel it is "theirs" then it becomes 'no one's' and as such, loses its identity as yours . . . in their eyes.

This is not an uncommon social behavior.

Your response to those disappointed need not be "tough turds." It is even simpler, to my view . . . with a nod to Otter.

"I screwed up, I trusted y'all." (You are in southern Virginia, right?)
"My trust has been abused. I will do what I must to protect my property."

That's telling it like it is, and from your story, it appears that some folks in your hall need to hear the truth. Perhaps mommy and daddy shielded them from it for too long??? Who knows.

Occhi

PS: I am still working on my son on this one, I must admit. "XXXX kept leaving the game discs everywhere, even when I asked XXXXX to case the games when finished."

In our house/hall, Wacraft III Frozen Throne has been put on hold for a week due to careless handling.

[jahcs]

Also remember there is a big difference between community and communal property. The playstation was neither. Borrowing things is a privilege, not a right. Many people don't seem to understand that.